why does she hate me?

i know i'm almost 30... and i shouldn't be whining about how much i hate my mom. and most ask "how could you hate your mother"
two words "she's abusive"
always has been (good english i know), ever since i was a kid.... granted she hasn't hit me in about 10 years, doesn't mean she still continues her mental attack.
controlling is a better term for her.
nazi maybe
i don't know why i'm bitching here about her, maybe just to get things out that are bottled up.
i just want to break down, curl up in a ball and cry... i mean when i think about it really, i can count on ONE hand all the times she has hugged me or said i love you.... one hand....
i'm not what she ever wanted, in fact i'm convinced she never wanted me at all. she has never been affectionate or loving, i mean i shouldn't be so mean as to the fact she hasn't ever given me shelter, or food, but just the same.

i remember when i was about 5 and i was sitting at the big thick butcher block kitchen table, and i said something or did something and i remember she had really long nails then, and she whirled around and grabbed the right side of my head, wrapping a thick handful of my curly blonde hair in her hand, her nails digging into my scalp. and she pounded the left side of my head into the table, inches from my ear screaming at me. now at this time she was about 103 lbs and 5'4" and my dad had to come up from the basement and PULL her off me, mind you my dad is 6'2" and 240ish... i guess lucky for me i'm missing whole entire chunks of my childhood and even through high school.

but when my dad left....
the fear of being left alone with her....
god i remember being so scared....
i was never a loud kid, i was never rude or talked back (good lord i have NEVER tried to defend myself against her, i would probally be missing teeth), but in fact i was a very shy, mousey kid, who hid in the background... you had to drag words outta me.

i've been in and out of therapist seats since i was 8. and when they time came that i was dignosed with having bipolar type I with schizoaffective disorder, when i was 25. i kept it from her for a year... till i couldn't any more. she now uses that as a weapon against me. she will say things such as "well you should go see about staying in the state mental hospital with all the other retards" and "you'll never be anything, no one will want your art, you'll starve and live under a bridge" lol, i've had the pleasure of listening to that speech since i was 10.

i guess i was just getting it out....
sorry to bug you guys.
~kym